True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
you had me at cake vodka
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
