People with herpes should wear stickers.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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