My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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