There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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