The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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