So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
