"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
