6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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