I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
