Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
