epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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