so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
