Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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