You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
