last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
