Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
