Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
