i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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