Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
