covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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