No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
