More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
