dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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