yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
