I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
