fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
