What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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