jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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