I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
