apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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