Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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