i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
