Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
