I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
