dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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