You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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