she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
