Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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