something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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