i don't like sucking hair
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
