I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
