What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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