i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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