She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
