Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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