he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
