i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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