I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
