Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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