Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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