the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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